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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142910">remove the silent syllables</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quettaser/pseuds/Quettaser'>Quettaser</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Beautiful Liar - VIXX LR (Music Video)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Break Up, Closeted Character, Coming Out, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:14:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142910</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quettaser/pseuds/Quettaser</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He lived in his little studio hunched over his keyboard and fueled mostly by cheap coffee. It was too easy to spend days not talking to anyone that wasn’t security or Eunae, the clerk working nights at the Mini Stop. If he wasn’t assigned to a specific project with regular meetings, he’d work through until 4 in the morning, crawling into bed an hour before Soyoung would be getting up for work.</p><p>That started to change with Wonshik.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Kim Wonshik | Ravi, Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Yuletide 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>remove the silent syllables</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ushiwakamaru/gifts">ushiwakamaru</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you for the great letter, I hope you enjoy it! Title translated from Beautiful Night by VIXX LR.</p><p>There is no infidelity in this fic, in case that's a thing you need to know!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t a secret that Taekwoon was going to buy a ring. Soyoung wanted a trendy proposal and matching engagement rings and he was happy to do whatever she wanted. But later, after the dinner at their favorite restaurant, the walk along the Han River and the tearful proposal in her parent’s kitchen, Taekwoon wondered if maybe it shouldn’t have felt inevitable, like he was being led along a path already made for him.</p><p>He was happy, videocalling his mother and being handed a glass of champagne, Soyoung attached to his side. It still felt like something was missing, but he told himself it was just his own nerves.</p>
<hr/><p>Working in music production was Taekwoon’s dream job and signing to a big agency meant that he was well paid and never out of work. But that also meant he was never out of work. He lived in his little studio hunched over his keyboard and fueled mostly by cheap coffee. It was too easy to spend days not talking to anyone that wasn’t security or Eunae, the clerk working nights at the Mini Stop. If he wasn’t assigned to a specific project with regular meetings, he’d work through until 4 in the morning, crawling into bed an hour before Soyoung would be getting up for work.</p><p>That started to change with Wonshik.</p><p>Wonshik was a new hire to the production team, a rap coach and songwriter. He looked the part, sloppy bleached hair, tattoos and piercings, a disinterested slouch to his lanky build. He was loud, funny and a hard worker. He immediately had songs picked up for multiple groups. The team liked him a lot.</p><p>Taekwoon found it fascinating to watch how easily Wonshik made friends, the intentional way he remembered favorite drinks, shared his food, and posted video links in the team group chat. It took Taekwoon a few weeks to realize that Wonshik was befriending him too.</p><p>He’d knock on Taekwoon’s door, bring him fresh coffee and then splay himself on the couch at the back of the studio room. The company-provided one. The only things Taekwoon had brought into the studio, besides two synths, were a framed picture of him and Soyoung and a lamp that didn’t bother his eyes.</p><p>Wonshik would just hang out in Taekwoon’s studio, asking about projects, making Taekwoon play demos for him. It never felt intrusive, not when Wonshik would play him clips of his own tracks or share agency gossip. He didn’t seem to care when Taekwoon would only nod or hum as a response.</p><p>It occurred to Taekwoon weeks later that he himself had never gone to anyone else’s studio without an explicit invite or a scheduled meeting.</p>
<hr/><p>Soyoung was happy to do most of the wedding planning with her mother and her best friend Misun. Taekwoon was happy to say yes to everything. He trusted Soyoung’s taste. Yes, a hall wedding, but a smaller amount of family, a honeymoon to the seaside, something quiet and understated. They set a date a year away, Soyoung was going after a promotion and didn’t want to mess up her chances by going away.</p><p>On their three thousandth day anniversary, they went for drinks at a trendy expensive bar, somewhere they’d never normally go. Soyoung had bought a new dress and gotten one of Taekwoon’s suits tailored. The bar’s aesthetic was great for pictures for her instagram but a little too edgy for comfort. They ended up at a noodle place down the street, overdressed.</p><p>“Do you remember our first date?” Soyoung asked, stirring her janchi guksu.</p><p>“Of course.” It had been a blind date set up by his friends. The first time he’d ever gone on a date by himself and not a big group. Taekwoon almost didn’t believe his friends that it was real.</p><p>“You were so shy, I thought you were going to run away when you went to the bathroom.”</p><p>Taekwoon groaned and took a drink of his beer. “You were so pretty. I was going to shit myself yelling at my friends for setting me up like that.”</p><p>She laughed. “Really? You never told me that.”</p><p>“I thought you owed them a favor.” Taekwoon picked at the label on his beer.</p><p>Soyoung shook her head and shrugged. “They showed me a picture, you were cute.”</p><p>The thought of going on a date on a whim still made Taekwoon bristle. Dating did not agree with him. After dinner and the taxi home, they picked up some of their favorite ice cream and toasted to another three thousand days as they walked back to their apartment.</p><p>Taekwoon had thought they would make love that night, but Soyoung fell asleep on the bed still in her dress. “Sorry, Taek-ah,” she mumbled as he helped her change into her pajamas without really waking up. “The drinks made me sleepy.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” He kissed her head and told her to get some sleep. Neither of them had a very high sex drive and that worked well for them. Taekwoon was happy that their intimacy came from a deeper connection.</p>
<hr/><p>The other producers went out every other Tuesday. Hakyeon used to ask Taekwoon to come along regularly, but he always turned it down. Going out was not something Taekwoon enjoyed and at some point Hakyeon just stopped asking.</p><p>Wonshik had started asking.</p><p>Taekwoon started going to Wonshik’s studio once a week for his lunch break. Which was normally around dinner time. Wonshik’s studio was as eclectic as Wonshik himself. Gadgets and cables everywhere, neon signs and toys hanging on the wall. Taekwoon wasn’t sure how he got work done there.</p><p>It was the third time Wonshik had asked Taekwoon to go out with the team. “Come on, you’ll have fun. It’s noraebang. You like singing, we’ll have our own room, you gotta come.”</p><p>Taekwoon knew he could say no. Wonshik had accepted his refusals before and not given him a hard time. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“Why would it be so terrible?” Wonshik asked, stealing the bag of honey butter chips from Taekwoon.</p><p>Taekwoon shrugged and normally he would leave it at that. But for some reason, Taekwoon found it easy to talk to Wonshik. He never made Taekwoon feel judged, like he would laugh at Taekwoon for saying he sometimes just didn’t like people or talking or fun. “There’s all these expectations. Keep up with the drinking, talk about our lives, bitch about work and I don’t always feel like talking. I don't want to hear about how I'm a buzzkill.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t be a buzzkill, hyung. And I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.”</p><p>Wonshik was looking at Taekwoon earnestly. It was the same face he made when he made Taekwoon listen to his newest scratch tracks.Taekwoon felt some of his resolve start to crumble. “There aren’t actual fights when you go out, right?”</p><p>Wonshik shook his head. His mouth began to curl in a smile, like he already knew Taekwoon was thinking about relenting.</p><p>“And I can leave after an hour or two if I want and no one will give me shit for it?”</p><p>Wonshik nodded, not even trying to hide his grin anymore.</p><p>One time wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “Okay,” Taekwoon said. Wonshik whooped and spun in his chair and promised he would make sure Taekwoon had exactly the night he wanted and he wouldn’t let anyone be a jerk to him.</p>
<hr/><p>“When’s the wedding?” Hakyeon asked, turning and leaning close to point at Taekwoon’s engagement ring. Jaehwan was in the middle of a dramatic ballad and Hakyeon had made it clear that he was bored with ballads for the evening.</p><p>“Next year.” Taekwoon was already a bottle and a half of soju deep which was more than he normally drank in a month and he could feel it as he flexed his hand for Hakyeon. Being in his body just felt a bit swimmier than normal.</p><p>“Congrats,” said Hakyeon, downing another glass of soju and silently holding it out for Sanghyuk to pour him another. He had at least another bottle on Taekwoon. “Hey,” Hakyeon hit Taekwoon’s arm with the back of his hand, “how come you didn’t tell us? We could have been toasting to you this whole time.”</p><p>“Ahh,” was all Taekwoon could say before Hakyeon was announcing to the room without preamble, “To Taekwoon-ah’s engagement!”</p><p>The rest of the team didn’t seem to process what he was saying, but did raise their glasses with him. “Thanks,” Taekwoon muttered.</p><p>Hakyeon leaned back into Taekwoon again. “That’s nice, love seems nice. I wouldn’t know of course.”</p><p>On Taekwoon’s other side, Wonshik was laughing. “Hyung, that’s bullshit.”</p><p>Hakyeon raised an eyebrow. “Which part? That I haven’t been in love or that love seems nice, mister chronically single?”</p><p>Taekwoon wondered if they always talked about their romantic lives. He didn’t know anything about Wonshik’s dating or lack thereof, he’d never asked and Wonshik had never brought it up.</p><p>“Hey, I just find relationships more satisfying when they are short and spicy.”</p><p>Taekwoon sipped at his drink and found himself focusing on Wonshik and Hakyeon’s hands. Their different shapes, the way Hakyeon used them when he talked versus when he didn’t, the swirls of Wonshik’s tattoos across his knuckles.</p><p>He was zoned out until Sanghyuk passed him the microphone. “Hyung, what do you want to sing? What’s your standard?”</p><p>Taekwoon didn’t have a standard noraebang song, but he liked singing along to trot songs when he was bored in his studio so he said, “Cho Yongpil” and let Sanghyuk pick a song for him.</p><p>“Nice choice,” Jaehwan said and Taekwoon let himself get lost in enthusiastically singing “Come Back to Busan Port” much to the delight of the rest of the team, who started singing backing harmonies. Normally, Taekwoon hated the feeling of having everyone in a room watching him, but all of them enjoying the song together didn’t bother him.</p><p>When the song ended, Wonshik was patting him on the back and Hakyeon was saying he’d been holding out on them. That he had to come to every noraebang night from now on. Taekwoon felt flush from the soju and the attention and waved them off but he ended up staying for another two hours.</p><p>It was early morning when he got home, Soyoung was already in the shower to go to work. He meant to stay awake long enough to say good morning but he fell asleep before she was done.</p>
<hr/><p>Taekwoon, much to his own surprise, started joining the team on noraebang nights. After the fourth time, he even started to look forward to them, planning his work schedule around them and keeping a note on his phone with a list of songs he wanted to sing.</p><p>Sanghyuk and Jaehwan were in the middle of an intense rendition of Dream by Suzy and Baekhyun, Hongbin recording them on his phone. Taekwoon had had a few bottles of soju already and the way Jaehwan was draping himself over Sanghyuk had Taekwoon losing it. He had to wipe away tears from his eyes, he was laughing so hard.</p><p>“I’ve never seen you like this, hyung.” Wonshik had to lean in close and yell to be heard over the duet, the bass in his voice mixing with the bass that thumped through the walls of the noraebang.</p><p>Taekwoon hiccuped trying to stifle his laughter. “Like what?”</p><p>“Happy.” Taekwoon didn’t know how to respond. Wonshik kept talking. “Like, have I ever seen your teeth, hyung? The fuck is that about? Your teeth are cute, don’t hide them!”</p><p>“What does that <em>mean</em>?” he asked through his laughter.</p><p>Wonshik shrugged. “It’s nice.”</p><p>The words and Wonshik’s pleased expression rattled around in Taekwoon’s mind for the rest of the night. Through his Jang Yunjung and Hong Jinyoung songs and while Hakyeon tried to remember Fin.K.L choreography. He didn’t like people noticing him, as a rule, but he liked that Wonshik had noticed he was more comfortable. He liked that he had made Wonshik just a bit happier.</p><p>Taekwoon stayed the whole night - morning, really, according to his phone - and forced everyone to join in a rendition of Southbound Train as a finale. Hakyeon and Wonshik made him say goodnight - good morning - and tucked him into a cab.</p><p>There was a note on the fridge from Soyoung that just said, <em>Miss you! Hope you had fun with the boys! See you tonight</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>A week later, Soyoung was sitting at their table waiting for Taekwoon when he got home from work, at a human hour this time. She normally had music playing, something classical. while she made dinner or answered work emails but the apartment was silent.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Taekwoon asked, sitting down across from her. She looked dour, unlike her normal calm demeanor.</p><p>Soyoung took a deep, slow breath. “Why didn’t you tell me you were so unhappy?”</p><p>She tapped her fingers on the table while Taekwoon tried to figure out what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Soyoung turned away and stared out the window. Taekwoon waited. She was so rarely mad, he didn’t know how to talk to her like this. Her voice was low but steady when she said, “I can’t marry you.”</p><p>“Soyoung-ah, what-”</p><p>“When was the last time you talked to me?” she said, turning back to interrupt him. “<em>Really</em> talked to me? Told me how you were feeling?”</p><p>“We talk every day.”</p><p>“About work, about the groceries!” Taekwoon winced. He could never handle yelling. “You talk to me like it’s a checklist, just another daily chore. It’s like living with a ghost. You’re here but I can’t feel you.”</p><p>Taekwoon sunk in his chair. Shame burned up his spine. He thought he had been a good partner to her.</p><p>“I’ve felt alone in this relationship for years and I thought…” She paused, the words stuck in her throat like the tears sitting in her eyes. “I thought maybe getting married meant that you would try more. For me. But I can’t do this if you’re so unhappy.”</p><p>“I’m not unhappy,” Taekwoon said reflexively through his numbness. “I love you.”</p><p>“Taekwoon-ah. Oppa.” The anger seemed to melt out of her, leaving her drained. “I’m tired of being lonely. This isn’t what love feels like and if you can’t see that, then I’m making the right choice.”</p><p>He followed Soyoung into their bedroom as she started grabbing her things. Her suitcase was already on the bed, half packed. They had a matching set. He would let her take both if she wanted. Taekwoon sat on the bed, unsure of what to do. Soyoung finally broke down into tears as she stuffed more clothes in her suitcase.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he said, knowing it wasn’t enough.</p><p>She screamed, wordless and anguished. A ball of fabric hit him in the chest. A dress, light and delicate. The one she’d worn on their anniversary. “Do you care at all?” she was asking through her sobs.</p><p>Taekwoon only whispered, “What could I say?”</p><p>Soyoung slammed the suitcase shut. “Why aren’t you mad? Why aren’t you begging me to stay? Are we not worth fighting for?”</p><p>He didn’t know and he couldn’t think of a good answer.</p><p>“Right,” she said to the silence, wiping at the tears still falling down her face. She didn’t say another word and Taekwoon didn’t move from the bed until she left the apartment.</p><p>He stayed there for an hour, looking at his phone, thinking about calling her. Texting. Calling her mother. Calling <em>his</em> mother. But he didn’t know what to say or how to feel. When he finally walked into the kitchen and saw her keys and the engagement ring on the table, the reality of the moment finally hit him.</p><p>Soyoung had left him. For good.</p>
<hr/><p>It was three weeks before he told anyone that wasn’t his parents. Taekwoon had stopped answering his parents phone calls, he couldn’t handle his mother scolding him any more or his father trying to plan elaborate schemes to win Soyoung back. Taekwoon knew that once Soyoung made up her mind about something, there was no changing it back.</p><p>Taekwoon had hidden himself away in his studio, avoiding everyone he could outside of meetings. Until Wonshik knocked on his door and Taekwoon had run out of energy to turn him away.</p><p>“What’s got you holed up in here, hyung? Big project?” Wonshik put down his coffee and took in the state of the studio and Taekwoon and answered his own question, “No. Not that.” He kneeled down next to Taekwoon’s chair, spinning him around so he was facing Wonshik. “What happened?”</p><p>Taekwoon played with the engagement ring on his finger. He hadn’t remembered to take it off yet. “Soyoung left me.”</p><p>“Shit, hyung. Holy shit. I’m sorry.” Wonshik rose up on his knees to hug Taekwoon, quick and tight, pinning Taekwoon’s arms to his side. It was the first significant human contact Taekwoon had had in weeks. He wished it had lasted longer. “Well that explains all of this,” Wonshik said, gesturing at the piles of empty coffee cups and takeout containers.</p><p>He got up and started throwing away some of the trash around Taekwoon’s studio. “I’m okay,” Taekwoon said, but Wonshik rolled his eyes at him.</p><p>“That’s a load of shit. Grab your laptop and your headphones, you’re coming with me.”</p><p>“Where?” Taekwoon asked, even though he’d already started unplugging his laptop from the stand on his desk.</p><p>“My studio. No more hiding in here. At least for right now.”</p><p>Taekwoon didn’t argue. He spent the next few days in Wonshik’s studio. When he told Wonshik how long he and Soyoung had been together, Wonshik had cursed and pulled a fancy bottle of whiskey out of his desk.</p><p>They drank until Taekwoon was almost sick and he felt like something had finally unraveled inside of him. He gave Wonshik the short version of the break up and he didn’t realize he was crying until Wonshik got up to toss him a box of tissues. “Hyung,” he said, after Taekwoon had blown his nose and wiped his face, “What are you going to do to win her back?”</p><p>Taekwoon made a questioning <em>huh</em> sound.</p><p>“You didn’t cheat on her, right?” Taekwoon shook his head. “No, that doesn’t seem like your style.” Wonshik idly swirled the bottle of whiskey in his hand. “So that’s more salvageable than most relationships.”</p><p>“But what if she was right.”</p><p>“About what?” Wonshik was looking at him, earnest, listening. Like he always was, ready to take Taekwoon seriously.</p><p>“What if I <em>was</em> unhappy?”</p><p>Wonshik reeled, like the words had been thrown at him. “Hyung. <em>Shit</em>.”</p>
<hr/><p>Taekwoon started going out with the team every time, not just on noraebang nights. He didn’t enjoy the bars the way he was able to enjoy noraebang but it was better than being alone in his apartment, staring at the wall and wondering if he even understood the concept of happiness.</p><p>He wasn’t sure if Wonshik had told the rest of the team, but Taekwoon was sure they had figured out what had happened, based on the way they included him even if he didn’t feel like talking. It was the first time he’d seen all of them around other people outside the agency, which meant he got to see Hakyeon in full flirt mode, something he hadn’t realized he’d been missing.</p><p>“He’s so shameless,” Jaehwan said, watching Hakyeon slide himself into a circle of women and not get immediately rebuffed. “I don’t know how he does it.” Jaehwan sighed and looked at Takewoon. “What about you, hyung?” He vaguely gestured at Hakyeon.</p><p>“I’m not cut out for picking up someone in a bar.”</p><p>“Me either. I will continue to let my parents set me up with family friends,” Jaehwan said.</p><p>“My parents are still pretty angry at me so that’s not an option,” Taekwoon said, rather than trying to explain he wasn’t sure he was ready to date anyone. He drew patterns in the condensation on his glass.</p><p>Jaehwan nodded. “You could get on one of the apps like Wonshik-ah.”</p><p>“Is that what he does?” Taekwoon had never seen Wonshik try to pick up someone at the bar.</p><p>Jaehwan shrugged. “I think so. I’ve never seen him leave with someone, but I’m sure you’ve seen the hickeys he gets on his neck.” Jaehwan tutted and shook his head. “Like a teenager. He definitely doesn’t have a girlfriend though. Says he hates relationships.”</p><p>Taekwoon hadn’t noticed any hickeys. Wonshik was in the middle of trying to bring drinks back from the bar. Did he have one now?</p><p>He spent the rest of the night out trying to catch glimpses of Wonshik’s neck, which was harder than expected. The lighting made it difficult to tell what was tattoo and what was hickey, if there was one to see. Wonshik must have thought he was just drunk because he laughed and slung an arm around Taekwoon’s shoulders, unbothered.</p><p>Later in the night, Taekwoon slipped away to the bathroom. He nearly bumped into someone as he opened the door and the guy cursed, then quickly apologized. Taekwoon realized it was actually a couple, the man shielding the woman from view as she still sucked his neck. The man cursed again, said, <em>I told you to wait</em> and pushed his partner with him past Taekwoon and out the door. It was a visceral reminder of how someone might end up with a hickey. Belatedly, as Taekwoon was washing his hands, he realized the couple were both men.</p><p>He wondered what it might be like to be so attracted to someone that he’d make out with them in a bar bathroom. He also wondered why he’d never felt that particular urge before. The thought spun around in his head as he made his way back to the rest of the team.</p><p>They all tumbled into cabs together at the end of the night, except Hakyeon who had left with one of the women he’d talked to. Taekwoon spent the ride staring at the app store on his phone, wondering if he should download a hookup app. Was that what he wanted? He would have to talk to Wonshik about it.</p>
<hr/><p>They were having lunch in Taekwoon’s studio, debating snare drum samples when he asked Wonshik, “How often do you hook up?”</p><p>Wonshik nearly choked on his katsu. “Fuck, hyung. Warn a guy.” Taekwoon didn’t repeat himself, but he didn’t break eye contact either, waiting for an answer. “Why do you want to know?”</p><p>Taekwoon shrugged. “Curious, I guess. I’ve never done that.” Taekwoon pushed his noodles around. “Do you- Is it fun?”</p><p>“That’s a loaded question.” Wonshik sighed and leaned back, arms behind his head. “It can be very fun, if you know what you want out of it.”</p><p>That seemed to be Taekwoon’s consistent problem. He didn’t know what he wanted.</p><p>“Hyung, are you thinking about trying hookups?”</p><p>“Maybe,” Taekwoon said, knowing he sounded defensive.</p><p>Wonshik made a noise that was both understanding and hesitant. “I don’t know if that’s for you, hyung. You’re more of the romantic, serious relationship type.”</p><p>“Am I?”</p><p>“You were almost married to the only woman you’ve ever dated,” Wonshik said, deadpan.</p><p>“And see how that turned out.”</p><p>Wonshik laughed. “Fuck, you’re right.” He hummed, swaying his chair back and forth as he thought. “I still think that’s jumping in the deep end. Maybe I could set you up with someone.”</p><p>Taekwoon thought about it. That was better than trying to look for someone on an app and definitely better than talking to a random person in a bar. He trusted Wonshik’s judgement. “Okay.”</p>
<hr/><p>Taekwoon started having dreams. The kind of dreams he hadn’t had since high school. Ones that left him sweaty and aroused when he woke up. He ignored them for a while because they were mostly about Soyoung and it didn’t feel right to <em>manage</em> himself with her in his head.</p><p>But then the dreams started to change, becoming more graphic. Faceless women, continuations of racy drama scenes, dreams about touching himself. Taekwoon wasn’t used to having much of a sex drive and he didn’t know how to handle it now that one had emerged.</p><p>He had the shameful realization that he had to work masturbation into his weekly schedule. After a few weeks of struggling to remember what he found sexy, Taekwoon gave in and began to search the internet for pornography. It only helped a little. He was at least able to rule out things that he did not find sexy, which it turned out included most pornography.</p><p>Much to his dismay, he found a couple or two that he liked. They didn’t have fancy setups or regular uploads but they kissed a lot and told each other <em>I love you</em> and Taekwoon was able to make himself come more often than not to their videos, which was the most successful any of his forays into pornography had been.</p><p>Every once in a while, he’d have a dream with one of the couples, sometimes taking the place of one of them or just being next to them in the bed. Taekwoon would wake up overwhelmed by his dream sense of touch, missing the feeling of warm skin, the responsiveness of another person. Taekwoon found masturbating a lonely comparison.</p>
<hr/><p>It had been six weeks since Soyoung left when Taekwoon decided he could go out with more than just the production team. He knew agency staff went out frequently and that some of the team went out with them, it just wasn’t part of the regular every other Tuesday schedule. He made Hakyeon send him the details and found himself at a trendy club in Itaewon.</p><p>The other guys seemed surprised to see him there. Jaehwan even said, “Holy shit, hyung,” when he saw him. He made Sanghyuk hand over some amount of won and Taekwoon would have felt some amount of shame over being a bet for his friends, but Hakyeon was handing him a drink and Taekwoon didn’t care very much anymore.</p><p>“Where’s Wonshik-ah and Hongbin-ah?” he asked Hakyeon.</p><p>“Hongbin-ah isn’t here, he hates the clubs. Wonshik is somewhere with his friends from Design. He likes to circulate.”</p><p>Taekwoon felt proud of himself that he wasn’t uneasy about being in a new place. But that good feeling only lasted so long. Wonshik hadn’t yet circled around to them yet and the loudness of the club made it hard to talk to his friends. They were more interested in dancing, which was still very much out of Taekwoon’s comfort zone. He’d had a lot of drinks, but no amount of alcohol would be enough to get him dancing.</p><p>He escaped outside for a break from his drunken senses. The sound was overwhelming and it grated on Taekwoon much more than the noraebang or their normal bars. There wasn’t much space outside of the club, still crowds gathered around and Taekwoon still had to push his way through people to get to a relatively empty spot on the sidewalk.</p><p>He ended up next to a loud group of young businessmen, but a few of the faces looked familiar and Taekwoon realized they were from his agency. Interns, based on how young they were. He didn’t want to listen in on their conversation, but it was hard to ignore, it was so loud.</p><p>“Kim Wonshik? Fuck that guy. He’s shit and his songs are shit.” Taekwoon only vaguely recognized the intern running his mouth, Marketing maybe. The other interns were telling him to shut up, but the drunkest intern just got louder. “I don’t know how that pig son of a bitch got a job here. Probably on his knees.”</p><p>Taekwoon wasn’t able to stop himself from turning and saying something. He knew he could loom, so he loomed and lowered his voice, “You should listen to your friends.”</p><p>The kid’s face was red with anger and alcohol. “Excuse me, who are you, is it your fucking business?”</p><p>A couple of the interns next to him grabbed at his arms, whispering furiously at him. “Shut the fuck up, Chinhae,” and “That’s our sunbae, you’re gonna get us all shitcanned.” Another, to Taekwoon, “Sorry, sunbaenim, he’s really drunk.”</p><p>Chinhae pulled himself away from them to step up to Taekwoon, undaunted by Taekwoon’s seniority and height. “Why do you care? What, did he suck your dick too?”</p><p>Taekwoon only thought about what he was doing as his fist was already connecting with Chinhae’s face. The mouthy intern fell back into the guy behind him. The other interns scattered and regrouped like a flock of birds that had been disturbed from their roosts. They were all watching Taekwoon, he realized, to see if he would go back for another hit probably. Taekwoon dropped his fist and took a step backwards.</p><p>“My apologies,” he said. “Have a good night.” He texted the production team chat once he got in a cab, <em>Sorry, felt queasy, went home early</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>Wonshik stormed into his studio the next day. “Hey, did you fucking <em>punch</em> Gong Chinhae from Marketing?”</p><p>Taekwoon pretended to be surprised, pulling his headphones off. “What?”</p><p>Wonshik gave him a look. “Don’t bullshit me, hyung.”</p><p>Taekwoon was a terrible liar. “Just the once,” he said, looking at his hands. His right hand was a little red and swollen around the knuckles.</p><p>Wonshik whistled and dropped down to sit on the couch. “Must have been a good one. His face is pretty fucked up.”</p><p>Taekwoon jerked up at that. “Is he talking about it?” He would almost certainly get in trouble for punching an intern, even if it wasn’t on company time.</p><p>Wonshik shook his head. “No, I got the story out of a friend.” Wonshik took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. Taekwoon wasn’t used to seeing him like this, almost nervous. Agitated. “Why did you punch him?”</p><p>“He was being disrespectful.” Wonshik nodded, like he expected Taekwoon to say that. “About you.”</p><p>Wonshik crossed his arms. He looked upset. “People are disrespectful about me all the time. Do you go around punching all of them? Why was this different?”</p><p>“He was insulting you.” Taekwoon said, even though he knew it wasn’t the answer Wonshik wanted.</p><p>“<em>Hyung</em>,” Wonshik said, the full weight of his bass-heavy voice behind it.</p><p>Taekwoon sighed. “He implied that you got your job through, umm, sexual favors. Why does it matter? I know I shouldn’t have punched him, I was just...” Taekwoon trailed off. What had he been feeling? “I was upset.”</p><p>“‘Why does it matter?’ Well, you punching shitty little Gong Chinhae from Marketing makes it looks like there’s something worth throwing punches about and I can’t have that.”</p><p>“What-”</p><p>Wonshik ignored him and kept talking. “Taekwoon hyung. Don’t be fucking dense about this. This is my life, this is my career. You know the saying, ‘there’s no smoke without fire,’ right?” Taekwoon nodded. “I can’t afford to have anyone think there’s that kind of fire to be found. Understood?”</p><p>“Understood.” He didn’t need to say it explicitly for Taekwoon to get the message. Wonshik’s reluctance to talk about his hookups suddenly made sense. He wondered if anyone else knew. Taekwoon felt like the foundations of the earth had slipped just a little underneath him, like he needed to reorient himself. “Sorry, Wonshik-ah. You know that I...” He wanted to finish the sentence with <em>care about you</em> but that felt both too honest and selfish. So instead he said, “You know that I would never betray your trust.”</p><p>Wonshik seemed to relax a little, his shoulders dropping. “I know, hyung. Thanks.” Wonshik hummed. “I’m kind of sad I missed it. I’ve never seen you mad, except that one time your audio driver crashed.”</p><p>Taekwoon’s face felt warm and it took him a moment to realize he was blushing. “It was just the one punch.”</p><p>“You’re a dangerous man, Taekwoon hyung.”</p>
<hr/><p>Much to Taekwoon’s surprise, finding out that Wonshik was gay was like a key slotting into the lock of Taekwoon’s journey of personal sexual discovery. He was not prepared for the torrent of desires that his brain was feeding him. Wonshik started invading every dream, every fantasy, even other idle thoughts. His normal masturbation routine would be interrupted by tattoos, bleached hair and a deep voice. Taekwoon felt like he was a teenager again, surprised by his own body’s actions.</p><p>He woke up from a dream about the couple he’d bumped into in the bathroom but it was Wonshik and himself instead. The thought of Wonshik pushing him against a wall to kiss him, of Taekwoon being the person to leave marks on Wonshik’s neck had Taekwoon sweating in his bed, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>Taekwoon slid himself out of his pajamas and ignored the shame he felt, the rush of heat in his body at the thought of intentionally touching himself while thinking of Wonshik. In the past it had been unintentional, unbidden thoughts taking over as he got close to his orgasm, a rush of tattooed skin and low moans pushing him over the edge.</p><p>But this time, he let himself finish his dream. Kissing Wonshik with abandon in a dimly lit club bathroom, bass thumping in his ears and the rush of feeling Wonshik touch him. The thrill of not being able to wait, of Wonshik wanting him so much that he’d hold Taekwoon against the wall. Maybe Taekwoon would put his hands under Wonshik’s shirt, he always wore them loose and untucked. He’d be able to feel him breathe, the flex of muscles across his chest, loosen his belt and-</p><p>Taekwoon was not used to coming so fast, leaving him wrung out and panting.</p><p>Maybe he needed to stop avoiding his own emotions.</p><p>After a shower, he spent hours on his vpn reading blogs and watching videos. Searching things like <em>being gay</em>, <em>how to be gay</em>, <em>how to know if you’re gay</em>, and <em>what if you are sexually attracted to one single man and you are also a man</em>. His results were mixed. He’d also taken several online quizzes, none of which gave him the clarity he wanted.</p><p>He liked Wonshik, he’d liked Wonshik since Wonshik had asked about Taekwoon’s expensive moog synthesizer. But that was as a friend, wasn’t it? When had he started to think about the way Wonshik laughed when he was tired, the shape of his shoulders in tank tops and the way he melted into the couch in Taekwoon’s studio after his workout in the agency’s gym?</p><p>How long had Taekwoon neglected the part of himself that kindled when Wonshik was around?</p><p>His phone buzzed with an alarm. He was supposed to meet Kim Seohyeon for drinks. The friend Wonshik had set him up with. But how could he go meet this woman while in the middle of his own sexuality crisis? He sent her what he hoped was a polite text about not being ready for dating just yet before shamefully opening his vpn again to go looking for a new kind of pornography.</p><p>Taekwoon knew it was a mistake if he wanted to keep his libido under control, but he was too curious about this side of love making - gay sex with Wonshik, his brain happily suggested - to stop. Sex with Soyoung had been good, Taekwoon had thought. But she was the only partner he’d ever had. And they were never <em>voracious</em> about it, not the way his mind wanted him to be with Wonshik.</p><p>He couldn’t stop thinking about Wonshik’s body, his dick. What it might be like to touch, to taste. When he was younger, sex had been a curiosity easily satisfied once he met Soyoung. It then slotted into his life like any other activity, enjoying it occasionally but not with any regular frequency.</p><p>But now Taekwoon’s curiosity was overwhelming. For once in his life, he was excited to go outside of his comfort zone. Gay or not seemed less important than being able to explore these new desires with Wonshik. He spent the rest of the night exploring himself.</p>
<hr/><p>The next few weeks at work were nerve-wracking. Walking around with this new knowledge about himself felt like Taekwoon had a giant pimple on his nose. There was no hiding it, everyone would see and it was only a matter of time before someone said something to him about it.</p><p>Only, no one noticed. No one said anything. Taekwoon’s life went on as normal.</p><p>Except for the part where he felt the need to masturbate daily just to keep his brain quiet.</p>
<hr/><p>It was late into the night when Taekwoon’s phone lit up with a message from Wonshik. <em>I need your help with a guide</em>. It wasn’t that unusual for Wonshik to text Taekwoon and demand he come to his studio. Taekwoon wasn’t getting very far with his own work, so a break and hanging out with Wonshik would probably be good for his focus and only a little hellish on his overactive imagination.</p><p>When he got there, Wonshik’s studio was lit like a cave - or that trendy club, Taekwoon thought - only the neon lights were on and Wonshik looked pensive hunched over his desk. He didn’t even look away from the screen when he said, “Hey, hyung.”</p><p>“New project?” Taekwoon asked as he looked over Wonshik’s shoulder.</p><p>Wonshik nodded. “It’s kicking my ass. Here, come sing for me,” he said, getting up out of his chair so Taekwoon could sit. He readjusted the microphone for Taekwoon and pulled up the recording software. The notes for the guide were scribbled in a notebook on the desk but Taekwoon could only make out every third character. Wonshik saw him looking at it and said, “Ah, shit, hold on. Ignore those.”</p><p>Wonshik stayed close, leaning over the back of the chair as he pulled up his own vocals for Taekwoon to hear. Taekwoon did his best to ignore the tattoos running down Wonshik’s arm and the way they shifted with the definition of his muscles. He passed Taekwoon the headphones and said, “Don’t worry about the lyrics, just try the melody, I want to see if it works with your voice.”</p><p>They spent about two hours like that, Taekwoon trying out different melodies while Wonshik hovered over his shoulder or paced around the studio. Wonshik eventually shooed him away to the couch so he could mess around with the vocals some more.</p><p>He listened to Wonshik mutter and groan for another fifteen minutes before he said something. “It can’t be that bad.” It was an attempt to be supportive, but Taekwoon wasn’t sure it was very effective.</p><p>But it did uproot Wonshik from his desk. He walked over and threw himself on the couch, shoulder bumping into Taekwoon’s. “I’m just not feeling it and I don’t know how to fix it.”</p><p>Up close, Taekwoon saw the circles under Wonshik’s eyes, the tension in his jaw. He could also see the curve of his cheekbones and the shape of his lips edged in neon. If he tried to explain his actions after the fact, Taekwoon would say it was the exhaustion or the low-level arousal that just seemed to inhabit his body now but the truth would be that he just <em>liked</em> Wonshik and wanted to comfort him in some way, so he kissed him.</p><p>Wonshik let Taekwoon kiss him and Taekwoon turned to lean into him and put a hand on his chest before he lost his nerve. He felt everything slow down, like he’d turned the tempo all the way down on a track, just to hear it pulse and drone. Taekwoon felt the rise and fall of Wonshik’s chest and broke the kiss to recenter himself. To make sure it was real and not another dream.</p><p>“What’s happening right now?” Wonshik asked in a whisper, eyes still closed.</p><p>“Just,” Taekwoon started but he didn’t have an end to the sentence so he kissed Wonshik again. Wonshik met him halfway this time, deepening the kiss. Taekwoon tried not to be overwhelmed with the sensations of being touched, kissed. A tongue in his mouth, a hand on his waist, Wonshik’s breath up close.</p><p>Wonshik bit at his lip and Taekwoon hissed. He shifted up onto his knees, wanting to find a way to be closer. Wonshik moved with him, not breaking the kiss, turning and holding Taekwoon by the shoulders so he could let Taekwoon push him onto his back, lying down together on the couch. Now, pressed against each other like this, Taekwoon felt the same hunger he had felt alone in his room.</p><p>He let his hands explore Wonshik’s body, under his shirt, the warmth of his skin. Wonshik moaned and Taekwoon could feel it rumble under his fingers. He pushed deeper into the kiss, chasing the sound. Wonshik’s hands drifted to his waist, gripping tight and pulling Taekwoon closer. Wonshik’s hips moved underneath him and Taekwoon shifted his legs so he could press their crotches together, chasing friction.</p><p>Taekwoon whined and broke the kiss, tucking his face into Wonshik’s neck. “Holy shit,” Wonshik breathed. Taekwoon stayed there, kissing lines down his neck and across his collarbone while Wonshik continued to move Taekwoon by his hips.</p><p>It was dizzying and overwhelming and Taekwoon was going to lose control much faster than he wanted to. There were still too many things Taekwoon wanted to try. He moved to the side, enough to slide a hand between them and palm at Wonshik’s crotch, slowly tracing the very obvious bulge of his cock. He had to know. “Let me blow you,” Taekwoon said into Wonshik’s neck.</p><p>Wonshik stilled under him. “What- Are you- Have you- Shit, Taek, <em>what</em>?”</p><p>Taekwoon slid his hand higher, tugging at the waistband of Wonshik’s sweats. “Let me.” He didn’t quite have the courage to look Wonshik in the face while he said it, but he was sure he wanted to try.</p><p>He heard Wonshik’s head thump back down against the couch. “Okay,” Wonshik whispered. “Yeah, okay.”</p><p>Taekwoon pushed himself up to his knees so he could slide back and down Wonshik’s body, sliding his sweatpants lower. It hadn’t occurred to Taekwoon that Wonshik might not be wearing underwear, but he wasn't and now Taekwoon was faced with Wonshik’s cock, full and different from Taekwoon’s own.</p><p>He couldn’t see Wonshik’s exact expression as he wrapped his hand around it, but he could hear him suck in a breath and Taekwoon bent down to kiss the tattoos along his hip. He moved his hand slow, listening carefully for Wonshik’s reactions. Did he like to be touched the same way as Taekwoon, was he sensitive at the head, how much squeeze was too much.</p><p>But he could only resist his curiosity for so long. Taekwoon mouthed at the shaft, wide flat licks with his tongue while Wonshik gripped at his shoulder. Taekwoon had never been so far out of his own comfort zone as when he finally took the head in his mouth, gently sucking getting used to the feeling. But he didn’t feel his normal discomfort, no anxiety about being awkward, just a desire for more. To try. Wonshik cradling his head and letting Taekwoon move at his own pace.</p><p>It was freeing.</p><p>Taekwoon sucked harder, tried sliding his mouth up and down, just a little. He wasn’t ready for any of the kind of advanced techniques he’d seen in the pornography he’d watched, but he had noted some of the basic techniques. Wonshik was murmuring in between his quiet gasps, Taekwoon couldn’t hear clearly, but took it as encouragement all the same. He felt like he had finally found a good rhythm when Wonshik whined his name.</p><p>“Hyung, together,” Wonshik was saying, tapping at Taekwoon’s shoulder. Taekwoon pulled off and he let Wonshik drag him back up so he was lying on top again, their cocks touching. Taekwoon hadn’t realized just how close he was, but he was hard, aching to orgasm. Wonshik wrapped his hand around both of them, stroking fast and Taekwoon pressed his still slick mouth to Wonshik’s neck again, messy kisses turning into a bite as he neared the edge. Taekwoon came with the sound of Wonshik’s satisfied hum in his ear.</p><p>Belatedly, he realized he would have to have Wonshik come in his mouth another time. Even thinking about another time made him shiver.</p><p>“That was. Wow.” Wonshik’s breathing was still ragged. “Unexpected.”</p><p>Taekwoon shrugged, feeling loose and wriggly on top of Wonshik.</p><p>“Hyung, when did- You were engaged. To a woman.” It was like Taekwoon could feel Wonshik processing. “You never said anything.”</p><p>Taekwoon realized that he had gone about this backward, “It’s a recent development, I guess.”</p><p>“Like, not when,” Wonshik started to giggle, “not when my dick was in your mouth, right?”</p><p>Taekwoon pinched his arm and Wonshik laughed. They were still mostly dressed, messy and cramped onto the couch but they could have been in bed, Taekwoon felt so relaxed. He kept his head pillowed on Wonshik’s chest. “I think I’ve maybe been this way for a long time but never knew myself well enough to realize.”</p><p>Wonshik hummed and tapped out a rhythm on Taekwoon’s side. “It can be scary.”</p><p>Taekwoon felt himself frown. Had it been scary? “I think I just felt relieved. That so many things finally made sense.” Wonshik paused in his tapping to give Taekwoon a little squeeze and he felt what must have been a kiss pressed to the top of his head.</p><p>Then Wonshik groaned. “Oh fuck, I have a deadline.”</p><p>Taekwoon sat up with Wonshik and he could see on his face that he was conflicted. “I finished mine.”</p><p>“Shit. Of course you did.” Taekwoon readjusted his pants while Wonshik got up and wiped off his hand. Taekwoon was probably blushing but he hoped Wonshik couldn’t see that in the colored light. Wonshik walked back, lifted Taekwoon’s chin and gave him a quick kiss. “I’d ask you to stay while I work, hyung, but I think you’d be very distracting.”</p><p>Taekwoon went home in a daze. He could feel his sleepless hours and his orgasm catching up to him. He was tired. He fell asleep the moment he got into bed.</p>
<hr/><p>After, Taekwoon wasn’t sure what to expect. Would something change? They hadn’t actually talked about dating or hooking up again. So Taekwoon stuck to his normal routine. His terrible sleep schedule, his long hours in the studio with bad coffee and occasional conversations with Eunae at the Mini Stop. But Taekwoon forgot how many of those hours involved Wonshik, meal breaks, coffee, arguing over track levels. Wonshik was working on a big collaboration project but was worried Wonshik was just using it as an excuse to avoid him. He wanted to be patient and let Wonshik approach him the same way he always had, but Taekwoon found the empty hours slow to pass. He really had grown attached to Wonshik in a way that he hadn’t planned for.</p><p>It was easy for Taekwoon to get lost in his own head, to fixate on only work, the music, and only consider the other people in his life in the spaces in between. He didn’t want to end up making the same mistakes he’d made with Soyoung, pushing her to the edges of his life and making her mostly background noise. That hadn’t been fair to her and that hadn’t been fair to himself.</p>
<hr/><p>Taekwoon was surprised when Soyoung answered his text asking to meet for coffee. He picked a cafe they’d never gone to together, neutral territory. She looked as lovely as she always had.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I never cheated on you,” he said, blurting it out before she could even take a sip of her drink.</p><p>“I know.” She didn’t seem surprised. “I thought maybe, right after we moved in together, but that wasn’t it.” She took an exaggerated long, loud drink and stared at him when she put her cup down. “Also hi, oppa, how are you? I’m doing well.”</p><p>Taekwoon tried not to shrink further in his chair. “Shit. Hi, Soyoung-ah. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m doing okay. I’m moved in with Misun unnie. I started taking an online cooking class. And I got that promotion that I was going for. But I feel like you don’t want to talk about that.”</p><p>“I do,” Taekwoon said, and he meant it. Now that he didn’t see Soyoung all the time, he was curious about her life again. Which he realized made him an incredibly shitty person. “I’m sorry again. I was an asshole to you. You were right to break up with me.”</p><p>“Thank you, oppa.” She placed a hand over his on the table. “You can be nice to me in a few minutes. I came because you wanted to tell me something and you would only do that if it was really important.”</p><p>Taekwoon nodded. She still knew him so well. He took a deep breath. “I’m not- I don’t think I’m straight. Anymore.” He picked at the skin around his thumbnail. “Ugh, I mean I don’t think that about myself anymore, not that something, hmm, <em>changed</em>.”</p><p>Her hand pulled away from his and she looked genuinely shocked. He hoped she wouldn’t make a scene. That wasn’t like Soyoung. Taekwoon didn’t think she would hate him, but the topic of being gay had never come up between them. Maybe Taekwoon had unconsciously steered them away from it.</p><p>“Oh. <em>Oppa</em>.” She blinked and paused to collect herself. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that.” She looked nervously around the cafe before continuing. “Did you- did you know when we were together? Misun-ah suggested it once but- Is that what you were hiding from me?”</p><p>Taekwoon shook his head but then nodded. She wasn’t exactly wrong. “I didn’t know I was hiding it, if that makes sense.”</p><p>“Ah, well. Thank you for telling me.” He could tell she wasn’t comfortable talking about it anymore so Taekwoon made her stay long enough to finish her coffee and tell him all about her promotion. If this was going to be their last conversation at least he’d been honest and apologized.</p><p>When she was getting ready to leave, Soyoung said, “Oppa, thank you for not trying to get back together with me. I was worried.” She looked wistful. “I don’t know that I would have been strong enough to say no. It’s been pretty hard, being on my own again.”</p><p>Taekwoon nodded. He’d been ignoring how much he disliked coming home to the empty apartment, choosing more work or more trips out. But the thought of getting back together, of putting himself back on the predetermined path through life didn’t seem comforting any more.</p><p>She stood up to put on her coat. “Thanks, Taek-ah. I mean it. I hope you can,” she searched for the words, “find what makes you happy.”</p><p>Taekwoon held the door for her as they left the cafe. “I think I’m working on that.”</p>
<hr/><p>Back in his studio, Taekwoon had final edits on a track with a firm deadline. He’d been putting it off, mulling his Wonshik feelings over and over again in his mind, idly playing with levels and not very focused at all. But he was out of time. As he worked, four hours straight in his studio chair, he found a kind of clarity. He had to be the one to search out Wonshik and confess his feelings. There wasn’t any other option. He couldn’t be passive in his own life anymore, not if he wanted to be happy. And he did want that. He was sure.</p><p>The seconds ticking down on the export of the completed song file felt like a lifetime. When the window finally closed, he sent the email to Hakyeon saying he was done and then shut down his computer and left his studio.</p><p>Taekwoon didn’t knock before barreling into Wonshik’s studio. If he didn’t tell him now, he would never be able to tell him.</p><p>“Wonshik-ah.” He startled at his keyboard, headphones tumbling off of his head. Taekwoon didn’t let that stop him. “I know that you don’t do relationships and that I’m a closeted hermit who barely knows himself but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you again.”</p><p>“Taekwoon hyung.” He sounded sad, disappointed even, so Taekwoon closed his eyes to make sure he could finish what he needed to say, letting the words run out of his mouth as fast as he could say them.</p><p>“And I don’t know if you want anything more than the friendship we maybe still have but I do and I’m trying not to be quiet about the things I want anymore.”</p><p>Wonshik’s voice was soft when he said, “Sit down, hyung, before you pass out.” Taekwoon sat and opened his eyes. Wonshik was looking down at his hands. Taekwoon waited, the silence eating away at his resolve. “How sure are you?” Wonshik’s voice was still low.</p><p>“‘Sure?’” Taekwoon repeated.</p><p>Wonshik sighed. “You just ended a very long relationship, your <em>only</em> relationship and you also just found out that you aren’t straight. I’m literally the only other gay person you know. How sure are you that it’s me and not just the idea of me?” He was still looking at his hands.</p><p>Taekwoon thought about the way Wonshik always went out of his way to make space for Taekwoon and the rasp of his voice when he sang old Dynamic Duo songs at noraebang. How he loved music as much as Taekwoon and how Taekwoon had, without intending, put more effort into getting to know him than he had any other person in years. How being around Wonshik made him want to be <em>more</em> of a person.</p><p>“I’m sure.”</p><p>Wonshik got up from his chair and walked over to sit next to Taekwoon, limbs loose and flopping. “I’m not sure I’m good at relationships,” Wonshik said like it was a question.</p><p>“I know that I’m not.”</p><p>Wonshik hummed and took Taekwoon’s hand in both of his. Taekwoon traced his thumb over his tattoos, feeling the pattern he’d long since memorized. When had he done that? Wonshik flexed his fingers under Taekwoon’s touch. “What’s one more bad decision?”</p><p>“It doesn’t feel bad if it’s with you,” Taekwoon said. He’d been more honest with Wonshik than anyone else in his life and this was still the truest thing he’d ever told him.</p><p>Wonshik groaned and dropped Taekwoon’s hand to clutch at his heart. “And you say you aren’t charming.”</p><p>Taekwoon forced himself to look away from their hands and up at Wonshik’s face. He looked happy, Taekwoon thought. He was starting to recognize what that looked like. Felt like. It felt like Wonshik leaning in to kiss him, slow and deep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i am always available for yelling on <a href="https://mobile.twitter.com/qbist">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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